This week I'm going to extend the prompt beyond my sewing because fear is something that has been looming over my head for a while now. This isn't to say that I don't have fears with my sewing and that form of creation; however, my sewing has, and always has been, a hobby that I had no desire to make a career out of. Thus, my sewing always feels playful and my fears are less consuming. I honestly just don't think it would make as juicy of a reflection as this is about to be.
Finishing up my third year as a biomedical engineering student, I've realized that the traditional route as an engineer is just not appealing to me. I want to work in a more creative field that intersects engineering, design, art, medicine, and social justice, and because of that I'm working on independent studies which align with exactly the type of career I think I want. However, I'm noticing that I'm not investing as much time into these projects as I thought I would, and I think that is because of fear.
I am scared that I am going to invest so much time into something that I think I'm passionate about just for me to "fail" and for it to suck*. Then, I'd be so far into switching my career and neglecting the stability that a traditional route provides, just to go back. I fear of wasted time and effort, and I fear of making a fool of myself to others. It's easy to be vulnerable when you don't take the task too seriously. It's not easy when you feel like it can make you look like a fool to others. How can I try to call myself a designer when there are so many other trained designers in the world who've been doing this their whole life? I'm honestly intimidated by them and am scared to enter their world when it feels like I'm years behind already.
Creativity itself is scary because there is no rulebook of "good" or "bad". In my opinion, engineering is driven by logic and fact, and creativity is driven by emotion and vulnerability, and that's scary. I know when to stop writing my code because the output is displayed, but when do I know that my data visualization is successful? "Success" starts to seem so much more subjective.
Anyways, I say all of this to articulate that my fear is in making a fool of myself to others. I think I'm great and I do a lot of things well, and a lot of people notice that. I get compliments for seeming so put together and peers boast that I'd be the most "successful". In my current field, I very much think I could be, but if I switch now, I'm setting myself back to square one. Everyone seems (keyword seems) to be at level 5, and I am scared to go back to level 1. I think it comes from my need/desire to be #1 or "better than everyone else". Ew, I know it sounds gross, but I feel like many honors students can relate to this competition. I'd never be rude or put someone else down in my efforts, but I want the best for me, and the best way I can measure my "success" is through comparison. It's bad, and I'm trying to shift towards measuring success through my emotions and level of happiness.
This comparing is toxic, and it affects my ability to even start my work because I'm scared of failing. I feel like I have imposter syndrome all the time when I'm doing design-based work. I wonder, "someone out there is probably more qualified than I am to do this work" so I chicken out.
I don't know if there's much I can do to remove this fear, but I've been trying hard to just keep working at it. I reassure myself that I wouldn't be in the position I'm in if I wasn't qualified for it, and tell myself that comparison is the thief of joy. I'm a student so it's okay to make mistakes, and life is all about learning. I can't keep worrying about messing up if I haven't even given myself the space to mess up. Going in 100% and failing is better than going in 50% and wondering what could've happened if I gave it 50%.
*Yes, I know "failure" isn't really "failure" if you learn from it, and yes, I know we can't live life without failure because we are humans, but emotions outweigh logic and it can be paralyzing- I don't make the rules here.
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