“an imperfection marked by an urgency.” - Lloyd Bitzer
I think this question is one that I've been pondering my whole life, I just never had a way to define it. I think it's a question we all ask... what is our purpose? Or at least I hope it's a question we all ask. I can't imagine life without these questions pulling us; our curiosity making sense of the world to ourselves and for others. My issue was I always thought I could only have one perfectly defined exigence. One defined phrase to define the entirety of my existence? That never felt right, and that's because it isn't.
In my art of sewing, my exigence is a little hard to articulate. It involves a great appreciation for the human form using clothing. I think I explained it best in an old journal entry trying to articulate my "passions".
I’m in love with the human body. Granted, it took me a long time to love mine. I still don’t know if I give myself enough unconditional affection. The body is the physical vessel by which we experience the world. We adorn it with clothing and jewels, paint it with chemicals, nourish it with food. A vessel of love and expression waiting for connection. An embrace, an exchange of words, validation, understanding. The same way we seek love, we can give love. I’m still learning to give and receive love. To give without expecting anything in return.
I paint my vessel the way I want to be perceived. Using colors and textures to connect with myself and with others. Standing true in expressing myself while presenting myself the way I want to be understood. It’s almost like manifestation- presenting yourself the way you want to be perceived while still feeling like you’re falling apart on the inside.
It took me a lot of introspection to figure out what the next thing to nourish my vessel was. For a while, science was enough. Curiosity of the world. Curiosity turned to needing solutions. Engineering fed that need. As I began to become more aware of my vessel, I needed to express myself. Pent up teenage angst meets an appreciation for colors. Orange and blue are a match made in heaven. Like a bright orange sun kissing the blue water, a warmth on a cold day. Autonomy with my vessel led me to physical expression with my attire. New hairstyles, aggressively penciled brows, boxed-dye balayages, botched haircuts. How different clothes adorn my vessel. Shielding parts I want hidden, accentuating those I want perceived. Lacey silk blouses versus oversized chunky knits. I built a shopping addiction. A love for the art of using the body as a canvas. As a broke college student I picked up an old sewing machine and played with more silhouettes. Cut outs on the sides of dresses, cinched waists on chunky knits. Giving new fabrics new occasions. Recycling purpose.
There’s also a point in which you understand the context of your vessel. Comparing the ways in which our vessels are different. How that affects perception of that vessel’s contains. Understanding that the color of my vessel is different and how that affects our ability to connect. Small or large, the effect exists. Understanding the history of the nation in which my vessel inhabits rotted in oppression. Ultimately understanding the way in which the skin leads to murder.
I guess my guiding principal here is helping myself and others feel good about our bodies, but there's this deeper topic of connection and perception. Admittedly, the excerpt above is a whole brain dump of ideas, and I'm still trying to articulate my exigences. Some are easier to articulate than others. For example, another one of my exigences is mending the broken healthcare system and redefining race in a society where race is inextricably linked to genetics. Biological essentialism in research and medicine has strained our society's ability to see past race as biology and investigate racial inequity as a major contributor to disease and health outcomes. Another one of my exigences is using design and technology for greater equity in medicine. Another is using art as a tool for awareness of social justice issues.
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